You must surely have heard of James Dyson, the British designer and inventor (pictured below, pointing to where his ideas come from) that created the best vacuum cleaner in the world and named it after himself. Sadly for James, his creation didn’t replace the verb to 'hoover', so if you were to ask someone to “give the floor a quick dyson” they’d probably just give you an odd look.
Dyson is an absolute genius, upgrading things left, right and centre to make them even more left, right and centre. He seems to do this moreefficiently, frequently and stylishly than anyone else, so obviously he's from the future. Or an alien civilisation. Or something along those lines. You may think I’m mistaken, but below are six examples of Dyson’s not-of-this-time ingenuity. (To make your learning more leisurely, a little creative license and a few GIFs have been applied.)
1) You call that a rotational device?
In the early 70s, the buddleja bush in Dyson’s back garden was looking a little dishevelled, so he popped into his shed to fetch the shears. Whilst rummaging around, an old wheelbarrow caught his eye. He walked over and took a closer look at its rusted form, scrutinising the central circular component that mankind had depended upon for over 5,000 years. A disapproving shake of the head and he was soon back in his study, sketchbook before him, pencil in hand; shrub trimming forgotten about entirely. The result was that he didn’t so much reinvent the wheel as replace it with something even rounder. Calling this jazzed up vehicle a Ballbarrow and winning an award, Dyson then began his firm but fair takeover of the planet’s engineering and technology sectors. Meanwhile, the buddleja followed his example and swiftly consumed the neighbourhood.
2) Fifty thousand times heavier than an astronaut
The centrifuge inside a trademark Dyson vacuum cleaner, which uses cyclonic separation technology, can reach 150,000G. By means of comparison, the maximum g-force during the launch of a space shuttle is a mere 3. Put simply (if a little coldly), the power within a Dyson vac would be enough to liquidise Commander Chris Hadfield, guitar included.
3) Double the drum, eight times the fun
Dyson’s ContraRotator washing machine uses not one but two drums, moving in opposite directions simultaneously. Rather than tearing up your summer dress or the shirt you need for tomorrow’s meeting, it cleans clothes as thoroughly as any other model, only eight times faster. Impressive.
4) Making Magneto look like a Magna Doodle
Motors have always been a bit wasteful, emitting heat that is totally unneeded. Dyson was peeved that no one had done anything about this, so he invented a motor capable of generating a magnetic field that would turn Ian McKellen's X-Men character green with envy. The magnet revolves approximately 1,700 times a second, so in the time it takes you to read this sentence, it’s rotated about 7,000 times. What a show-off.
5) Look, Ma, no blades!
Concerned about the amount of children that lose fingers to fast-moving fan blades, Dyson used “science” (i.e. sorcery) to develop a bladeless fan. Modern day children boast full sets of digits but are also being brought up in a world where this type of make-believe machinery is considered commonplace and even mundane. Swings and roundabouts, I suppose.
6) A tiny bit faster than the Red Arrows
In the old days, having used a public toilet and washed your hands, you’d be confronted by a hand dryer so slow and futile that wiping your palms on your jeans afterwards was inevitable. Then Dyson gave us the Airblade, which accelerates to 420mph. Though the air is cool, mere mortals still feel deeply afraid of the machine’s unearthly power.
So there you have it: conclusive evidence that James Dyson, though a national treasure and one of the most important minds of our time, is clearly from the year 2562. Or another solar system. Or, I dunno, something. All we can do is wait to see what he turns his attention to next, be it weapon systems (we’re all dead), healthcare (we’re all saved), or both (we’re all zombies). Yes, we fear for our lives, but at least we can do it in clean clothes whilst eating perfectly refrigerated jelly.
Author: Rich Sutherland, @beardybiscuits
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Company # 09699517. VAT # 276520396.